Some things just do not fit into the other blog. That is why you are reading english again.
I wrote those words down. A while ago. Just for me. But it did not work. Yeah, for the moment. But it did not last forever. I am asking myself, how one person can make me feel so miserable, that I am afraid of listening to Radiohead, because I would start crying. But when I choose The Velvet Underground it is not even better. I do not even know the person. The person is just there. Doing things, I cannot cope with. It is just the fact, that I have the person in my shadow. Following me. I am not always able to see the person, not always aware of the person. Sometimes I even forget that the person was there in the first place. I do not want that this person dictates my life, my feelings, my mood, my body. Damn it. I cannot help it. It is there and I am not able to get rid of that shit.
Is it a lie? Or is it just a concealment? Is it a secret, which must be kept, because the person is that special and must be protected? The feelings for the person, the relationship is that important? I am trying to imagine how I would behave. But my imagination is bad (concerning such things, it seems).
I do not have a solution, I even do not have a clue. And I do not know anybody, who can help me, who might know what to do. Maybe I have fear. I am afraid of the reaction I guess.

So, finally, I'm there. Earlier than I expected. The flight was kind of weird. Nobody was sitting next to me. I was a little nervous and so I wished somebody would sitting there, calm and cool. The plane is getting faster, louder and finally we're flying, up up up. Through the clouds, above the clouds, with the wonderful colours I knew from back then when we flew to Greece. My camera was above me, and I didn't get up to get it. Poor thing. I didn't have a pencil to solve the Sudoku I had with me. And nobody was sitting next to me, who could have borrowed me one. And it was loud. The school class tried to be louder then the noise of the .... nein es fällt mir gerade ganz und gar nicht leicht auf Englisch zu schreiben. I have to switch.
Die Schuklasse wollte lauter sein als die Triebwerke des Flugzeuges und somit war es unnötig Musik zu hören. Ich habe die Tageszeitung gelesen, weil für ein Buch war ich zu WUI. In Vorfreude und eben das Fliegen. Es hat sich dann einen Sitz weiter eine Frau hingesetzt, so hatte sie etwas mehr Platz und ihr Mann musste nicht so nah bei einem Fremden sitzen. Scheinbar. Die Landund war kurz und schmerzlos. Das vorherige Eintauch in die Wolkendecke, über der wir schwebten, war etwas turbulent. Ich habe das alles vergessen. Ich muss mich wohl daran gewöhnen. "Enjoy the flight!" Mein Gepäck war dann schnell da und ich war wieder froh Boden unter den Füßen zu haben.
Nun ein paar kleine Eindrücke. Viel gibt es noch nicht...
Ich kann mir nicht vorstellen hier zu wohnen, da das Leitungswasser nicht wirklich genießbar ist. Eher chlorhaltig. "Du sollst ja nicht daran riechen!" Schwer vermeidbar. An das Wasser bei mir zu Hause konnte ich mich nach dem wiener Wasser gewöhnen, aber das hier... ich schätze nicht. Egal. Meine digitale Kamera blieb daheim, weil die analoge mitgekommen ist. Was ich bis jetzt gesehen habe ist Uxbridge im Dunkeln. Midhurst Gardens in Uxbridge plus 'rundumadum'. Am Mittwoch gehts nach London. Und das Beste: Ich habe noch nicht einmal Pfund in der Hand gehabt, nur von weitem gesehen. Tja. Bis hierhin nicht sonderlich spektakulär, aber SCHÖNNNNN.

Dased and confused.
No proper appetite.
Autumn is there. Inside and outside.


The falling leaves drift by my window
The falling leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sunburned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall
(Autumn leaves, maybe in the version of Bobby McFerrin in July 2005)

At least there has to happen something!? Yesterday... it was nice, yes. But I had to notice, that my life is nothing. I am not making it to somthing special. I would have to put a lot of effort into it so that it is something. It would be to stressful for me, for my taste. They experience so much and I felt bored. I thought "oh my god, all the do is drinking and speaking of other people". "What? He is dating XY? Oh my God!" (_heiligs_ölend_) Oh, yes, that is not the world I am into. And still, I expect any kind of reaction of him. I am waiting and sitting and thinking and trying to dive into different realities. But it seems not, that it worked very well today. Soon I was very bored by it, somehow? I would have to do some things for school. But I do not care very much by the time. It seems so useless. I am so bored of everything. I want somebody around me, but if I do not do anything at all, how can there happen something. I am so disgusting when I am like that, because it is so ridiculous.