Some things just do not fit into the other blog. That is why you are reading english again.
I wrote those words down. A while ago. Just for me. But it did not work. Yeah, for the moment. But it did not last forever. I am asking myself, how one person can make me feel so miserable, that I am afraid of listening to Radiohead, because I would start crying. But when I choose The Velvet Underground it is not even better. I do not even know the person. The person is just there. Doing things, I cannot cope with. It is just the fact, that I have the person in my shadow. Following me. I am not always able to see the person, not always aware of the person. Sometimes I even forget that the person was there in the first place. I do not want that this person dictates my life, my feelings, my mood, my body. Damn it. I cannot help it. It is there and I am not able to get rid of that shit.
Is it a lie? Or is it just a concealment? Is it a secret, which must be kept, because the person is that special and must be protected? The feelings for the person, the relationship is that important? I am trying to imagine how I would behave. But my imagination is bad (concerning such things, it seems).
I do not have a solution, I even do not have a clue. And I do not know anybody, who can help me, who might know what to do. Maybe I have fear. I am afraid of the reaction I guess.